


we'll become each other's guides (we'll make it out alive)

by antpelts



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Autistic Michael Mell, Best Friends, Canon Compliant, Canon Jewish Character, Coming Out, During Canon, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gay Jared Kleinman, Gay Michael Mell, Internalized Homophobia, Jared Kleinman Has ADHD, Jeremy Heere and Jared Kleinman are cousins, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Making Out, Michael Mell Has ADHD, Online Dating, Online Relationship, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, tags to come??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25218055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: Somehow, inexplicably, it all started with Jeremy Heere’s bar mitzvah.// somehow life keeps bringing michael mell and jared kleinman together
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Jared Kleinman/Michael Mell, Jeremy Heere & Michael Mell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi.. yeah.. another wip.. mellman is good.. also titles from revolution lover by left at london its a bop

Somehow, inexplicably, it all started with Jeremy Heere’s bar mitzvah. The noise and crowding into the only reception space the Heeres could afford was stifling for a thirteen year old Michael - not to mention the flood of anxiety he felt  _ for  _ Jeremy watching him stammering through reading little statements for his family members. His mom must have insisted, claiming it was good for him. Michael just cringed as it unfolded, Mrs. Heere  _ was  _ his mom but.. she didn’t seem to have the best grasp on how to support her own son, from where he was sat Michael swore he could see the sweat on his forehead. In turn it just made  _ him  _ start sweating.

The weather was warming up for spring and it wasn’t  _ hot  _ but it was almost suffocating to be around so many people he didn’t know. His moms had given him one out, the Heeres would understand, he was allowed to slip outside and escape everything if it got too much. And it was. The noise combined with the harsh fluorescents was making him feel hot and itchy, the top button of his shirt felt like it was choking him. As quietly as he could he got up and slunk over to the door, opening it just enough to slip outside, shutting it carefully behind him. The sun was bright but his glasses adjusted accordingly - Jeremy had teased him over still having transition lenses in 7th grade but who was laughing now!

A few careful steps took him towards a little tree out front. He wasn’t quite sure what the building  _ usually  _ was, just that it had a space you could rent for parties. Actually, he’d been there once before! When his moms got married they ate food there! It looked different then, prettier. Was that rude? Jeremy’s party looked cool too!

Settling down carefully in the shade of the tree he ran his fingers through the grass, tearing some of it up. He was just glad his moms stayed inside - they’d reprimand him for this thing. It was fun though, besides, he could pluck a particularly long blade and tie it in a knot without ripping it. Jeremy’s hands shook too much to do that.

Suddenly a shadow fell over him and he looked up, pushing his glasses up on his nose and scrunching up his face in confusion.

“Who are you?” 

“What’s wrong with you?” The kid didn’t even bother to answer him, staring down at him, eyes hidden behind his own transition lenses. (Take that, Jeremy!) He sniffed a bit, curling his lip weirdly, enough so that Michael could see his braces.

“Oh. I just got my braces off,” he said quickly, baring his teeth so he could point at his now, much straighter, teeth. 

“Is  _ that  _ what’s wrong with you?” Despite his tone he didn’t look mad, in fact he was sitting down in the grass next to Michael now. He had a bowtie with little stars on it and if Michael wasn’t trying to figure out how to answer his question he would’ve asked where he got it. Actually it was a little crooked. Pulling his hand out of where he’d tangled it amongst the grass he reached out and tugged on it, straightening it out.

“Mom says I got sensory problems,” Michael said, rubbing at his nose. The longer he looked at the kid the more he noticed he looked a little like Jeremy - their noses were shaped the same, their faces held the same roundness. Maybe that was just a babyface thing, though. But his ears stuck out a little bit in the same way. “So ‘m allowed to sit outside.”

“I don’t know what the hell that means but whatever.” The kid snorted out a laugh but his expression didn’t change much. Michael glanced back over his shoulder when he cursed but they seemed to be in the clear. Not that Michael  _ didn’t  _ curse, he just knew when to be careful.

“You didn’t say who you are.” Michael stared at the grass now, carefully plucking out blades of grass one at a time.

“I’m Jared.” On reflex he seemed to stick a hand out for Michael to shake and he scrunched up his brows.

“I don’t like touching people,” he mumbled, clasping his own two hands together.

“Good, me either,” Jared grumbled, moving to tear up his own fistfuls of grass, scattering them in front of him. “My parents make me do that.”

“Wait, why are you here?” Michael lifted his head and stared at a spot on Jared’s forehead. His mama taught him that trick since eye contact made him feel squirmy. “You know Jeremy?”

“Uh, yeah? Why are  _ you  _ here? I had to come. He’s my cousin.”

“Well, he’s my best friend,” Michael said, as if it were a competition.

“Well,  _ my _ best friend couldn’t come,” Jared huffed out, “since Jeremy doesn’t know him. But my parents said we have to come.”

“Why wouldn’t you wanna!” It was supposed to be a question but Michael’s voice went up in a more accusatory way, “Jeremy’s like.. the best.”

“He never talks to me when they all come over for  _ Pesach,  _ he sits in the corner and doesn’t talk to anyone! Or he freaks out and hides in the bathroom like a baby.” Jared furrowed his brows with a little huff. “There’s never anyone else my age but him. And I don’t like playing games with him because he’s so bad! He’s really bad at.. like, every game. Even when they come over he can never find the  _ afikoman  _ so I always win!”

Michael didn’t know whether to defend Jeremy or ask what Jared was even going on about anymore. Or, maybe he’d just stay quiet. It was kind of nice to listen to him talk. Around Jeremy he did most of the talking and Jeremy always just let him! This kid seemed as loud as Michael and he was almost in awe at how brazen he was just inserting himself into the situation.

“Well that’s why he’s my best friend and not yours,” Michael settled on, tugging another blade of grass out from the lawn. He twirled it around one of his fingers before tying a little knot in the middle of it. 

“I only see him like twice a year anyways.” It looked like he rolled his eyes but Michael couldn’t be sure.

“Why are you even out here?”

Jared just shrugged, leaning back on his hands as he tipped his head up to stare at the stretching branches of the tree above them. After a second he flopped back, laying down. Looking down at him Michael tipped his head to the side before lowering himself to lay next to him.

“How old are you even?” Michael finally settled on, scrunching up his nose as the grass tickled his ears.

“‘m thirteen. But my bar mitzvah was cooler than this.” When Michael glanced over at him he could see his eyes were closed, hands folded over his stomach. The sunlight cut through the leaves above them and the light was dappled over his face. Jared didn’t have freckles like Jeremy did.. well, he had a few. Not a lot. They were like Michael’s! Little spots scattered across his face. He didn’t have as much acne either and Michael felt rude for comparing such a thing - it wasn’t like Jeremy wanted to have acne! But Jared’s face looked a little softer, his cheeks looked soft.

“Are you gay?” Michael hadn’t meant to ask it out loud - actually, he wasn’t even sure if he was asking himself or Jared.

“I mean.. I’m jewish? I don’t know what that is.” Jared turned his head to look at him, their noses were almost touching. Michael couldn’t help but wonder how someone could be that sheltered. Or maybe he just knew more because of his moms. Jeremy didn’t even know what ‘gay’ meant until Michael told him two years ago.

“Never mind,” he mumbled, crossing his arms behind his head. Turning away he just looked up at the leaves above them. Looking at Jared made him feel weird, kinda itchy and fidgety.

“Well we gotta go inside. They’re probably gonna do the  _ hamotzi  _ and my mom’ll kill me if I’m not there.”

Michael wasn’t really sure what that meant but he pushed himself up to sit anyways. Brushing the grass he tore up off of his pants he finally stood up, bouncing on his feet a bit in an effort to hype himself up to go inside. Jared was slower, sitting up and pausing to clean off his glasses. In the moment, looking down at him, Michael felt something weird in his chest. Without thinking about it he stuck his hand out, holding it in front of Jared’s face.

“I thought you didn’t like to touch people,” Jared mumbled, already grabbing Michael’s hand and pulling himself to his feet. Their palms stayed pressed together for a moment too long and it made Michael feel a little sweaty. When their hands pulled apart he just roughly wiped his palm off on his pants a few times, following Jared’s silent lead back into the building. 

At least the slowness of his transition lenses kept them dark for a little bit, blocking out some of the harsh light inside. He felt a little calmer. But.. also a little weird. Maybe he could just blame it on the weird boy he’d met. It’s not like he’d deal with him again so he could push blame and move on. Making his way back to his moms he sat with them, gladly taking his mom’s keys to quietly fiddle with in his lap. He’d insisted he didn’t need any of his chewables anymore and thus didn’t bring any with him. His moms had given him space and he was grateful, feeling too embarrassed to tell them that he’d gotten made fun of for his chewable UFO necklace. Besides, he knew his moms would like to have a stern talk with the school and maybe even the kid’s parents and that was the last thing he wanted. He was fine, he could ignore it. He was getting better at just ignoring everyone else.

At least his mom offered up his keys, recognizing that he still needed to stim somehow, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

Eventually he was watching Jeremy share a dance with his mom. It seemed a little stiff but.. Jeremy had told him it was something important he had to do. Michael had never quite liked Mrs. Heere but he supposed it wasn’t his place to be thinking those things. So instead he watched while clinging to his mama’s hand. He wondered what would happen if Jeremy had two moms like him. Would he have to pick? Michael wasn’t sure he could pick. The thought made him sad in the way that made his stomach hurt.

Instead of thinking about it too much he tried to scan the room, turning his attention to everyone else. A lot of them sort of looked like Jeremy when he thought about it. Well - a lot of them were about as pale and had a similar hair color. That was enough for Michael to draw the connections. He might not have guessed they were all related on his own but seeing them together he could believe it. At least with Jared. Jared looked the most like Jeremy. After some more scanning Michael spotted him across the space, through the crowd. He was standing close to.. probably his mom? He looked sort of stiff, staring off at the floor while his mom had a hand on his shoulder. His arms were crossed, there was a slight wrinkle in his brow.

Something about him was.. interesting to Michael. The only person Michael  _ really  _ knew was Jeremy and it seemed like Jared was the exact opposite of him. In fact, he even saw some parts of himself reflected back at him, it was easy to just say things to him. There was only so much you could glean from a ten minute conversation, though, and Jeremy  _ was  _ his best friend. By the looks of it Jared had his own friend too. So this could just be a connection lost to the wind, he’d be fine with that. 

There wasn’t much he was truly after in life anyways. He was content. It was a nice moment though, under the tree with Jared. He thought about it still, even as they drove home. He leaned his head on the window, grimacing when they hit a pothole. It was darker now, the sun had since set. But he couldn’t help but picture it - the light and how it fell across Jared’s face, how soft it had seemed. The whole moment had just felt comfortable in some strange way that Michael suspected would stick with him.

Something small to reflect back on when he was older.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hear me out- the old messages may seem out of character but listen.. we really ALL talked that way on the forums back in the day. besides, i think jared was more chill and friendly pre high school if not a little antagonizing at times  
> i swear the forum post quotes are practically verbatim from me and ppl i knew and we all grew up to be super different in high school li s t en,, the boys can be a lil weird and silly in an online space,, as a treat

“What are you- are you even.. doing?” 

When Jared looked up from his keyboard he could see the little image of Evan in the bottom corner of his screen staring at him with furrowed brows. Usually he was able to hold Jared’s attention a bit more, even when he was tapping away on his computer. They’d pull up a video chat and talk about shit until Jared got called down for dinner now that they were 14 and had their own computers. It fulfilled Jared’s desires to stay home while still being able to keep in contact with Evan - not that he’d disclose how much he wanted to keep that contact alive.

“Saving relics,” Jared said haughtily, pushing his glasses up on his face. He’d finally ditched transition lenses but these frames were big, they nearly covered half his face.

“Wh.. What?”

Rolling his eyes Jared clicked a few times, scrolling around for a second before gracing Evan with an answer, “my beloved online home is being shut down.”

“Oh! Those.. forums? For those- those books you read?” At least he had the decency to look a little sad for him, even if Neopets had been a little more his speed instead. He didn’t really  _ get  _ it but some minigames were fun and the little creatures were cute. Besides, Webkinz were expensive and he’d only ever had one that Jared had given to him on some birthday.

“Those forums,” Jared repeated back, almost mockingly with a little scoff, “yes! I did so much crap on here, dude. I’m trying to save  _ some  _ of it.”

“I like your writing,” it was small, breaking up the crackle of white-noise, “sorry.. sorry that it’s sh-shutting down.”

A light flush came to Jared’s cheeks at the complement, he didn’t share his hobbies with much of anyone. Especially not his parents. Evan was the only person he knew in real life who got to see anything he made, pieces of writing and scratchy drawings of cat characters he made up. Despite never even having read  _ Warriors  _ he still listened to Jared talk. It was nice. But.. he was moving onto better things. He was going to be in high school! There was no way he’d be secretly creating art about groups of cats in the woods anymore. Video games were fun enough  _ and  _ not too embarrassing to talk about. Because this year was the year he’d finally be able to make friends. Well, more friends. Evan was great and all but.. He still felt like he was outside of it all. Now he wanted in. He’d gotten a ton of new shirts and everything - Jared Kleinman was going to be a whole new person in high school. His peers couldn’t ignore him anymore. 

The only reason he was saving anything at all was for nostalgia, at least that’s what he was telling himself. Scrolling through more threads he saw people logging on to drop their socials, asking friends to follow them on other websites instead to keep up their bonds foraged over the years. Usually mods would edit these things out of peoples’ posts.. but with the death of the forums quickly approaching they seemed to resign to letting it happen. Or maybe the mods were already gone.

The thing was, though, none of these people behind fancy usernames and little cat avatars were people he felt like  _ he  _ specifically formed bonds with. Maybe they chatted on a theory thread about some messy lore inconsistencies or maybe they roleplayed together for a few weeks on some group that inevitably fizzled.. That wasn’t enough to stick around. Adding these people on other sites and trying to keep up didn’t feel right. None of these people were really friends.

Except for one.

Clicking on the profile he navigated to latest posts. Nothing. Everything was from months ago. Their last interaction had been before summer even began. Scrolling through all of their posts he saw they were all.. in response to him. Basically. Maybe one every hundred was on something unrelated. Them talking about convoluted story plots, Jared commenting on their fanfiction and getting a gushing response, a thread made solely for their roleplay - they really crafted a messy plotline of murder and mystery with an obnoxiously long cast list of cats they switched between writing.

And one day it was just suddenly nothing. 

* * *

***Ottertooth*** **  
****Posted:** _March 21st, 9:24 pm_

{sorry ive been gone so much lol i have an idea for the next bit though what we can do with stormclan}

**Eaglefrost22** **  
****Posted:** _March 21st, 9:32 pm_

[Hey!!! Ah! Still there?]

***Ottertooth*** **  
****Posted:** _March 21st, 9:34 pm_

{omg yes i am. we havent been on at the same time in so long}

**Eaglefrost22** **  
****Posted:** _March 21st, 9:36 pm_

[I know! : ( What’s your idea? How are you? I miss you!!]

***Ottertooth*** **  
****Posted:** _March 21st, 9:39 pm_

{i miss you too : / sorry im flakey. im alright i guess. high school starts in the fall so.. ;n; i just thought we could do a whole thing where wolves come to the camp and its a whole thing with stormclan}

**Eaglefrost22** **  
****Posted:** _March 21st, 9:41 pm_

[Omg you’re alright. XD Oh! Me too! I forget we’re the same age. Yusss… The drama! I’m excited to rp again~!]

***Ottertooth*** **  
****Posted:** _March 21st, 9:45 pm_

{yes! okay i g2g to bed but ill bbl and then we can start! tomorrow!}

**Eaglefrost22** **  
****Posted:** _March 21st, 9:47 pm_

[Goodnight! : ( I can’t wait!]

* * *

It was like in the blink of an eye it all disappeared. They hadn’t made a post since and now they  _ wouldn’t  _ be able to come tomorrow. Tomorrow it would all be gone - wiped. After nearly four years of talking to each other.. they were gone. Lost to the wind. 

“Jared?”

Right, he was on a call.

“I gotta go, mom is calling me.” It came easily and Evan just nodded in confirmation. He gave a wave before Jared hit the end call button, navigating back over to his browser to just read over everything again. That last message just stared back at him.

A pang of loss echoed hollowly in his chest and he tried to ignore it. He was 14! Why was he so choked up about this? Sure, they’d talked since they were both around ten up until this point, only tapering off near the end, but they didn’t know much about each other.. right? Did that matter? Maybe he didn’t know the kid’s name but he knew that they loved to write, that they got home from school at the same time, that they just got a record player last year for their birthday. They spent countless hours talking - didn’t that mean more than knowing identifying information they couldn’t give online?

There was no way he could save everything in word documents tucked away on his computer and.. he didn’t care to save all of it anyways but he did start reading. Saving some random drabbles was suddenly leagues less important than reading back old messages and reliving that sense of belonging he’d felt. Less than 24 hours before it was all gone. It took nearly an hour of skipping through pages but he was finally able to track down their first interactions. Four years old, almost to the day. It was the summer after he turned 10, he’d just started reading the books and heard there was an official forum. He ditched Webkinz in order to prioritize his time. There were thousands of posts - of messages - between them. Creative works they made together, compliments on their art, roleplay, and.. Out of character messages. Packaged up in brackets. The real stuff he was looking for.

Against all his wishes he felt his chest tighten as he skimmed through messages. Most were mundane but he just couldn’t stop scrolling, focusing in on little bits here and there.

* * *

_ [Happy birthday Otter! o3o I can’t believe you’re older than me XD I’m used to being the oldest one!! My bff's bday is in the spring.]  
_ _ {forums literally wouldnt load for me all day? ;~; thank you eag} _

_ [Ottehhh~ Check out my post, I started writing this new thing. I wanna know what you think. .////.] _

_ [/pokes. Hey I’m online! We’re both 12 now! :P] _

_ [Nuuu ;u; I just got an iPod for Christmas though. Will your parents get you a new one?] _

_ [/hugs. I know I have a best friend irl but you’re my best friend here. I wish we could meet. ;w; After we turn 18 I swear we’re gonna do something! Even if I gotta hunt you down. >D We gotta play xbox.] _

_ [Yeah sometimes parents are like that. And people in general. But you have me!! /snuggles. You’re like.. super cool. I’m serious. ^^’] _

_ Drawing of me and my friend Otter’s characters! I know it’s not great but it’s his birthday! <3 Everyone wish him a happy birthday!! u3u _

_ [Middle school drags. ToT One more year of it. I know I’ve got my friend, you know but.. I wish we could go to school together. I think you’d like my friend lol. :’)] _

_ [It’s crazy I can’t believe it’s been three years. XD It feels like way more but also way less. Kinda like I’ve known you forever or something.] _

_ [Have you read the new book? :0 No spoilers but I totally cried at the end. ;o; Fair warning for that. I wanna talk theories when you finish it.] _

_ [You just kind of understand me haha. Which is weird maybe but I totally think so. :’) Meeting you feels like right, you know? Totally random but also like.. yeah! Gtg though. :p Ttyl. <3] _

* * *

It was barely even scratching the surface. They seemed to talk about everything they possibly could’ve on a largely PG server with strict restrictions. Everything from school to dreams to video games to books. And feelings. Plenty of feelings. It was all a lot easier than talking to people he actually knew. He didn’t even know the kid’s name. Just an icon of a cat and a silly username, it was so impersonal. Though.. every interaction was so greatly personal. It felt like a time so far off, even though they’d spoken a few months ago. A missed connection that would cling to the inside of his rib cage for years to come.

Just two ships passing in the night. 

A little part of him would probably silently stake out in a little lighthouse forever, scanning the dark water for a familiar sail.

* * *

“Aw, man.” 

“Huh?”

Michael shifted on his futon, holding his phone out in Jeremy’s direction. He was too far away for the words on the screen to matter. After realizing this Michael just brought his phone back towards himself and let out a little puff of a breath. He reread the email for probably the fifth time, brows knitting together.

“The forums shut down.”

“The, uh, the cat books one?” Jeremy lifted his head up from where he was sitting on the floor. He smiled a little but his eyebrows drew down, showing that, despite the incoming teasing, he felt for Michael, “told you, you- you should join me on Club Penguin.”

All Michael could manage was a roll of his eyes, going quiet. He’d never really talked about  _ what  _ he did on the forums, it was sort of his little hobby, which meant he never talked about who he talked to on there. Well, the one person. Someone he knew so much yet nothing about. Because, well, the guy was just.. some person, right? He wasn’t tangible and Jeremy was. The last thing he wanted was for Jeremy to get the wrong idea about his bond with this mystery person. As far as Michael’s online connections Jeremy really only ever heard ‘the guys I play Warcraft with’ or ‘some people on the forums’. It had always been him and Jeremy against the world and he didn’t want to mess that up by introducing characters to their plot. Besides, he was happy with Jeremy. It was fine.

Now it seemed like it would stay that way forever. There was no way to track the guy down, after all. Now he’d fade into a fond memory full of ‘what if’s that would never get answered. A little blip on the timeline of his life that would one day fade into obscurity.

“Hey, your turn.”

When he lifted his gaze Michael saw Jeremy holding out his controller. He took it and just hit the button as he set his phone down, relishing the familiar jingle of the Tetris music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are the best also hmu on tumblr (antpelts) if you want ily all


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